Loneliness?

I promise, I really have not meant for this blog to be depressing, which is why posting is not as frequent, but it's just a phase of "stuck" that I'm in right now. Consider that your warning.

I've heard so many times that people with disabilities are more likely to live a "life of loneliness."
Those who know me and know where my life has been in the last few months know that I've truly been trying to combat that stereotype. Maybe, I've been trying a bit too hard.

Don't get me wrong. I've heard the professionals talk about support circles, the importance of friendship, involvement in the community, etc... and I will support their messages 100%
My issue is that I can't seem to figure out how to balance.
I can't seem to put myself out there JUST enough with the RIGHT people.
I either completely close down, or I open up too much.

I have a small support circle, and while I constantly feel as if I can't spend enough time with them,
I am realizing more and more often who is a part of that circle.

I promised myself that I would share a full journey on this blog, and that's what I plan to do, judgement or not.

The past 5 months have been an interesting time.
I'm 27, and since I was 21, I have had this desire to "settle down"
but at the same time a desire to be "adventurous".
I thought I had found it.
 I had found someone where I could be settled and adventurous.
I was on cloud 9. Make that 9 and a half
I made moves of independence I didn't think possible.
He lived alone in NoVa. I live with my parents.
I would make the 2 hour commute each way to see him.
I opened up in ways I didn't think I could.
I had a guarantee from him that he was in it for the long run.
I learned that in the end, I had the commitment component, and I was willing to do
whatever I could to make the relationship work, but he wasn't.


Honestly, I think it came down to understanding and compromise.
He said the relationship didn't work because I was living with my parents.
Despite my attempts to be independent, to make that drive to him every time, I could not be independent enough.
I feel like people just don't seem to get the whole disability component.
I had the discussion with my friend while I was in this relationship.
She asked  "Does he understand how committed you are to your job? Does he get how consuming it can be?"

I said he did. I said we talked about it.
I think he did understand the job component, but I think there was a part of him that never understood  my disability.
The disability of "undiagnosed"- It's hard to explain a disability to someone when you don't completely understand it.
When I became overwhelmed with too much information, at times he would just get frustrated.
When my ankles gave out on me or I had difficulty processing something, he would just shake his head and laugh, sometimes make a joke about it.
I know, people deal with disability differently, but I just don't think he got it.
He thought I could control it.
As I returned to his apartment two months after we broke up to
grab the very few things I left there on a continual basis,
the idea of loneliness just seemed to be that constant message in my head.
As we talked, trying to get closure, according to him,
I still somehow felt safe with him, despite everything that happened (no details unless asked specifically).

this is pointless. done here.